One of the first posts in The Archive I happened to open, possibly at random, more likely because it was short, was one I had titled, “Another Fucking Playlist”:
Date: 2004-03-10 23:32:21
Together Again - Janet Jackson
Where is the love? - Black Eyed Peas
Carnival - Natalie Merchant
Full of Grace - Sarah McLachlan
King of May - Natalie Merchant
If It’s Hurting You - Robbie Williams
Love Story - Layo + Bushwacka
Fallen - Sarah McLachlan
Cry Me a River - Justin Timberlake
Time after Time - INOJ
Now, I know what you’re thinking.... damn, this random playlist thing is freaky! talk about suiting my mood exactly! hmmm.... I mean, I know Apple’s got some cool shit in making these iBooks, but I didn’t know it came with a mood sensor.... Must be the glowy Apple thingy in the lid.... MoodPort Extreme I call it... Night all, I’m sleepy...
Clearly, my white polycarbonate iBook was feeling very much in a particular state, but one that I can’t quite identify through the post itself. Random and contradictory to be sure; who puts Natalie Merchant and Justin Timberlake next to Sinead o’Connor and then ends with a Cyndi Lauper cover?
Clearly, 31-year-old Eric felt it appropriate to comment.
What I find interesting about a now 21 year older version of me is that I’m now curating playlists, establishing moods and building emotional landscapes through music. Today, those playlist comes with names like Scandinavian Airport and Fresher Hardware: Diva Mode; the inspiration guiding the endeavour is no less integral to who I am—and becoming.
Was 31-year-old me lonely? Perhaps. Craving romantic connection worthy of love songs full of longing? Likely. Has that changed in twenty years? Not terribly.
But was he happy? Could he feel joy? Did he? Yes, as much as I can recall.
He was also seeking recognition, to be seen and held.
The difference now? 52-year-old Eric knows pain and heartache and joyousness and infatuation and lust and can see each of them as they are, in the moment, as they happen. Embracing them, feeling them. Knowing that they’re all momentary, temporary and will be felt and experienced again.
And yes, I did recreate this playlist and listen to it. Some bangers there.